10-9-2000
My new celly is about as racist as they come. It’s “nigger this”, and “nigger that” all day. I refuse to join in on his little game though. He’s been harping on the racist tip really hard trying to get me to join in. I can tell he thinks I’m weird because I don’t think like him.
I never say anything on that subject here. Most people wouldn’t like to hear what I have to say. But I get the feeling many people here act racist because they feel they have to. Maybe in the future I’ll find some people I can trust we can talk about things more candidly. I’m not there yet though. One of the worst things about this place is you cannot be yourself easily. It takes a lot of balls. And not only that, I’m forced to associate with people I normally never would. I’ve haven’t found too many people I like in here so far. Reading is what has been getting me through, especially history. I’ve always wanted to get into it more-and here’s my chance. It’s helped me to think on a bigger scale and see through a lot of the bullshit taken as gospel here.
There are so many areas I want to study. So much to learn. Right now it is about all I have to look forward to on a daily basis. Although I imagine it everyday, release seems so far and out of reach. So coming here I lost more than my freedom, I lost the ability to safely be myself-to practice individuality. Like I said, I could be myself if I had the balls, but it seems a lot easier to tow the line.
Someday maybe I’ll feel different, because as it is I feel like I’m losing a little of myself everyday. And if that’s the case, how much is safety really worth? 
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