Better Get Used To Them Bars Kid

October 4, 2000

I talked to Mrs. Marrazzo today, the teacher whose class had some questions about prison for me. She said her criminal justice students enjoyed hearing my answers. I guess it was a good move to not bullshit them.

Some of these kids are very savvy, and know when someone is trying to pull their leg. Although I’m not someone who knows a whole lot about prison, I tried to explain to them how things work in here to the best of my ability. Of course I know more than most just due to the fact of being here, but in other prisoners’ eyes, I’m still considered a fish (i.e., a beginner, a greenhorn, freshman).

(I added this picture as well in memory of my fish, Joe who committed suicide in this manner when I was 8.)

I still have a lot to learn about my new habitat. And since I  am going to be here for an extended amount of time, I’m trying to do it as careful as possible. So far the best strategy has been to talk little and learn from others’ mistakes.

I’ve been taking some computer classes in school. I’m not very confident about working with these machines. However, they can’t even be considered the future anymore, the future is already here. Whoever doesn’t learn is going to get left behind in a lot of ways.

I tried to call one of my old girlfriends tonight and someone hung up on me. This is one of the hardest things about prison for me so far, letling go of streets ,so to say.

It could have been her mother that hung up on me. In the end does it really matter? The result is the same. I couldn’t talk to her. It also brings me face to face with another cold truth: to many, my name is tarnished forever. No matter what I do I will not be able to redeem myself in some folks’ eyes.

I try to look at the bright side; someone is always willing to give people another chance. You just have to find them. I talked to the father of a good friend of mine today. It worried me because he told me his son is doing some things that could end him up in here with me. I would hate to see that. I hope that my friends learn something from my mistakes as I’m trying to learn from others’ missteps in here.